I’m ready to give up the eating disorder. I’m ready to stop obsessing over food and relax at mealtimes. I’m ready to feel normal, like my beautiful friends when we go out for pizza or ice cream.
What I’m not ready to let go of is thinness. I have put on weight but (perhaps ironically) the body dysmorphia has begun to fade.
My RD said this would happen: as my brain received the nourishment it needs, my cognitive function would improve, meaning reality would replace the delusions and I would see myself and food more accurately.
Right now I’m in that sweet spot, where I’ve put on just enough weight to see my true size, but I’m not quite sure it’s yet enough to satisfy my body’s real needs.
I’ll get there, I’m sure. I’m probably closer than I think. Eventually I’ll realize that “thinness” is a small trade for peace of mind. Chances are that my natural set point isn’t going to make me overweight anyway, and this is just another irrational fear that I’ve yet to shake.
For now, when I get upset about something and am tempted to restrict, I’ve been reminding myself that skipping meals won’t do any good and the problem will still be there. Instead, I eat, and then get up and face the problem. Usually I find that it was a minor feat after all.