Visions & Dreams

Awoken again, at 2:35 A.M., but not from hunger this time. Well, not that hunger anyway (we’ll get to that later).

Instead, this time I was awoken by a dream. Not a nightmare, a dream. A really, really good dream.

I saw myself. Or, more accurately, I saw who I could be.

I saw myself standing on a balcony, with an unashamed smile on my face, waving down to the me watching from below.

My hair was long, wavy and natural, my skin was clean,  and I wore a snapback and tank top (okay, so I was dressed like a rapper wannabe, but I was confident). I was the most me, and the most beautiful, I have ever been.

I saw my future…if I want it. And by “want it” I mean if I dare to go after it.

This eating disorder isn’t going to get me there. Bowing down to anxious thoughts won’t get me there. Letting depression ride me like a wave won’t get me there. I have to take control–or do I?

Ah, control. The paradox of eating disorder recovery.

I’ve wrestled with this for years: do I need control, or do I need to go with the flow?

I’m still figuring it out, but right now this is what makes sense to me:

I can’t control what happens in life. I can’t, I won’t, and trying to will only create anxiety and dissatisfaction.

But I CAN control me, and how I respond to situations. I don’t have to be a master of circumstance, but I don’t have to play the victim, either.

I can be like Bugs Bunny. . .and game anything for my favor. 😉

Back to the dream.

This was more than a dream: it was a vision of what is possible, but I must be willing to take what I need in order to get there.

I have to be willing to honor my hunger.

I literally have to feed that spark I was talking about [read that one next].

It starts with physical hunger, but it’s a much deeper hunger, too: a hunger for life. A hunger for possibility. An insatiable curiosity. A ravenous appetite for human experience.

Why not follow this hunger and see what happens?

I am hungry, and there is a feast before me.

I am hungry, and I want to eat.


featured image via pixabay

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