Just A Spark (hope, angels, and a tribute to Paramore)

Do you believe in angels? Because I do. They don’t hover among us somewhere in the clouds, too far for us to see–they walk this humble earth with us. They hold our hand. They show us the light in the dark. They are our best friends; the people who hold onto hope for us and pull us in from stormy seas when our strength is gone and we can’t do it ourselves. My angel doesn’t play a harp; she plays Paramore.

I started listening to Paramore just a few weeks ago when my best friend loaned me one of her Panic! At The Disco CDs and the Death of a Bachelor album had the wrong disc in it: Brand New Eyes, Paramore’s 2009 album.

The other day, I stumbled across a music video on YouTube for their song “Last Hope.” If ever a song rang true to my soul, this was it (lyrics in italics).

I don’t even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it I realize, gotta let go of control

This disorder, this disease, is not who I am.
It is part of me, but it is not me.

I find myself only 3 weeks out from college graduation, my dream come true, and yet deeply unsatisfied.

Gonna let it happen, gonna let it happen,
Gonna let it happen, just let it happen

Lately I’ve been rethinking a lot of things about my life. Maybe I don’t need a clear path because life has more to offer than I can see from where I stand.

Maybe I can relax, just a little, and let go of trying to control every outcome and circumstance. I don’t need to control what happens–I just need to control how I respond, which is completely in my power.

It’s just a spark but it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out and no one’s around it keeps glowing

There’s something kindled inside me. I can feel just a tiny bit of hope there.

I can feel my heart beating.

Even after all I’ve put her through, she still beats for me. She’s so strong.

Every night I try my best to dream tomorrow makes it better
And wake up to the cold reality and not a thing is changed

Many nights I have been awoken by the monsters not under my bed or in my closet, but inside my very head. Hunger and anxiety were my alarm. Danger! I come to reality; this disorder is killing me. I put a bandage on my soul and go back to sleep–or don’t–but tomorrow I rip it off and cut the wound even deeper.

But it will happen, gonna let it happen
Gonna let it happen, gonna let it happen

I won’t stay like this. Something’s going to change. I will get better.

I begin to let love in, just a little at a time. I start to see myself through another’s eyes.

It’s just a spark. . .

Just a little hope.

but it’s enough to keep me going. . .

A little reason to stay alive another day. Another chance for a new possibility to unfold.

And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning any more than it used to
It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore

I think I can do this. . .

And the blood of these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has

Even after all this pain, all this damage I’ve inflicted upon myself,

I’m still alive.

Which means I’m pretty fucking strong.

And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive

I begin to see things more clearly: that I AM strong, and I AM loved, and I have every right to exist, and a life worth saving.

Alive

I am alive.

Gonna let it happen. . .

Let’s run with this.

Gonna let it happen

Let’s see how far we can get.

It’s just a spark but it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out and no one’s around it keeps glowing

I see a spark of hope in the darkest part of me. How did it get there?

It’s just a spark but it’s enough to keep me going
And when it’s dark out and no one’s around it keeps glowing

It’s just a spark, but it’s all I need.

It’s just a spark…

But it can grow, it can grow.


featured image via Unsplash

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