Morning tea: What about me?

This post is a follow-up to Reasons.

Ambivalent Annie. That’s a fitting name, I think.

Yesterday at my therapy session, I was explaining to my counselor how I’m having a hard time motivating myself to get better. I told her what my past reasons were and why they’ve since expired.

I just can’t seem to get that fire in my belly to push me towards recovery. I keep going back and forth. I can’t grasp a solid reason as to why recovery is worth all the hard work it’s going to take to beat this. Then she suggested a radical thought:

“What about you?”

Me. Just Annie. Is that a good enough reason to get better? Is my life worth saving just for myself? I could justify it by saying I have a lot to offer other people and I contribute to society through my work, but the problem with that is it leaves me vulnerable to outside acceptance, and the slightest failure could knock me off the wagon again.

This is a problem. I am able to recognize the error in my judgement but I don’t know how to correct it.

I have a lot to offer others, but I don’t feel like I have anything to offer myself. Aside from all my societal contributions, academic achievements and professional ambitions, what is left?

Somewhere underneath all that there must be a girl worth saving. My friends can see her. My family claims she exists. Why does she hide herself from me?

I want to get better; I do. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. And that’s the honest, painful truth.

Feat. image via Unsplash

4 thoughts on “Morning tea: What about me?

  1. I really identify with much of what you wrote here. The only thing is the last part, about deserving recovery… For me it’s more of ‘if its even possible’. Or maybe its about my feeling like it’s just my lot in life to recover. But giving it a bit of thought, maybe it is about deserving. Maybe it is just as you said. I wonder if the reason of deserving doesn’t come up is because the whole concept of recovering simply because I’m “me” never occurs to me.

    I started a list, recommended by some other people in the treatment program, of things I’m good at because I explain every compliment away by saying anyone can do the stuff I do, no matter how much they assure me they can’t. I’ve always been about what I do and not about what I am, so this list can’t be things like “donating to charity” or “helping thus and thus” or stuff outside myself. It has to be things I’m good at simply because, well, I’m good at them. They recommended I start this list over a month ago and I’m only starting it now, inspired by your post.

    Someone else mentioned doing a gratitude list, not of things like where I live, my car, all that sort of thing, but about things I’m grateful about me like having a sense of humor, aspects of my character and so forth. Guess how far I’ve gotten on that? Right, haven’t even started it!

    Thanks for your post. It’s helpful to remember these things and give thought to them even if I am quite a few steps back from doing them, or thinking about them, like with the whole “me” thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am so glad my post inspired you. I also base my self-worth off of what I can do rather than simply who I am. Hopefully this will change…although I’m beginning to think it will take many small steps, as opposed to an overnight change of heart.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Once we remember who we truly are; therein we are worthy.
    We are not what we do, what we have, nor are we what we go by, as in title, not even our birth name. We are the essence of the creator, light & love and just because we are that, we are worthy.

    Liked by 1 person

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