This post is a follow-up to Reasons.
Ambivalent Annie. That’s a fitting name, I think.
Yesterday at my therapy session, I was explaining to my counselor how I’m having a hard time motivating myself to get better. I told her what my past reasons were and why they’ve since expired.
I just can’t seem to get that fire in my belly to push me towards recovery. I keep going back and forth. I can’t grasp a solid reason as to why recovery is worth all the hard work it’s going to take to beat this. Then she suggested a radical thought:
“What about you?”
Me. Just Annie. Is that a good enough reason to get better? Is my life worth saving just for myself? I could justify it by saying I have a lot to offer other people and I contribute to society through my work, but the problem with that is it leaves me vulnerable to outside acceptance, and the slightest failure could knock me off the wagon again.
This is a problem. I am able to recognize the error in my judgement but I don’t know how to correct it.
I have a lot to offer others, but I don’t feel like I have anything to offer myself. Aside from all my societal contributions, academic achievements and professional ambitions, what is left?
Somewhere underneath all that there must be a girl worth saving. My friends can see her. My family claims she exists. Why does she hide herself from me?
I want to get better; I do. I just don’t feel like I deserve it. And that’s the honest, painful truth.
Feat. image via Unsplash