I had a fun night out last night with three of my best girl friends at the movies. We saw Beauty and the Beast, which was amazing btw.
Being out with them made me feel safe and happy. Safety is a feeling I seem to long for most these days.
I went to sleep alright. Did some reading before bed and hoped to get a quality night of rest before returning to school and work after a week off for Spring break. Then around 3:30 am, I woke up.
Hungry, and frightened.
It’s only at night when I seem to realize how dangerous this disorder really is. I think about what it is actually doing to my physical health. My body seems to override the eating disorder and I’m compelled to eat. I remember last year when I lived in the dorms, I used to wake up and rummage through boxes of cereal and crackers to feel satiated, much to my roommate’s confusion.
I ran down my stairs, got a bowl of cheerios and brought it back up to my bed. I ate it and tried not to think about it too much. I obviously needed it.
After that, I was awake for the day.
I just got over chronic insomnia that I had been having from nightmares and anxiety…I definitely don’t want to see it return.
Update, two days later:
Same thing happened again. I still haven’t caught up on sleep from the night before, and again I was awakened by hunger in the wee hours of the morning. I had another bowl of cereal.
Strange how in the middle of the night the eating disorder voice seems to be much quieter. I wonder why that is.
It’s also a bit scary, though. I’m afraid of going on a binge in times like this, so even when my body wakes me up begging for food, I still can’t bring myself to satisfy it completely. Have you guys dealt with this? If so, how were you best able to cope with it? So frustrating.
Stupid freaking anorexia.
featured image via Pixabay