I need a reason to recover.

That’s what’s missing. A big part of me wants to get better, clearly, otherwise I wouldn’t be spending hundreds of dollars on nutritional counseling. But it feels half-hearted. And I never like to put my name on anything half-hearted.

The reason why I chose recovery in the first place was because I wanted to move to Chicago and build a better relationship with my father. I ended up having to move back to Kentucky, but by that point I was already on the right track.

When I relapsed the first time, I chose recovery all over again after an abusive relationship ended. I wanted to heal myself and prove that I was stronger than him. That worked for a while too, but now I couldn’t care less about what he thinks of me.

What am I missing here? Have I chosen recovery for the wrong reasons before?

A radical thought came to me last night:

What if I just want recovery for the sake of recovery?

Could recovery be reason enough in and of itself? Could it be valid by default, without an outside reason to justify it?

Maybe. But it feels a little shaky. I need something to hold on to. An anchor. Something I can see and feel to be justified, in much the same way I needed to see my weight drop. Something I can measure.

I need a real reason. I need to know why.

…Or do I?

featured image by Myles Tan via Unsplash

7 thoughts on “Reasons

  1. I have several reasons although when my brain is malnourished it’s hard to grasp. Did you know that for every year with eating disorder behavior we lose 1% grey matter in the brain. Grey matter cannot be regained. If we lose 10% of our body weight, or maybe it was 10-15 lbs (4 ½ to 6 kg) our body starts eating our organs for energy. There are so many other reasons. I try to always keep them in mind to help me stay on track even when all I want to do is rebel.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m starting to wonder if food has to come first. As in, I have to start eating right before my brain jumps on board. It’s hard to think of any solid “reasons” to get better right now, but maybe that’s because my brain isn’t functioning at full capacity. Maybe if I think of my meals as necessary “medicine,” the recovery mentality will come.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I tend to believe that we are incarnated into this life to experience humanity, in order to evolve and grow. Our true essence is spirit, and that essence longs to indulge in the growing pains as well as the joys and sorrows that we experience in this earthly form. All of this is desired by our souls in order to mature, eventually returning to our creator, as light, love & evolved spirit. We all are learning different essential lessons that are needed within our souls to become that part of the Creator that we are meant to be. Therein we find reason.

    Liked by 1 person

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