Getting Back to Myself

Today, I had a very much needed and long overdue girl’s day with two of my best friends. We talked heartbreak and self-care and all the woes of being an early twenty-something. There were laughs and tears and Adele and ice cream and it was amazing.

I cannot explain how comforting it is to have people that I can just share the human experience with. I’m talking no-crap, open and honest communication. Drop the facade, no Instagram filters to make life look like something it isn’t, just everything on the table. It’s….validating? Is that the word?

Having these types of interactions and conversations balances me. It makes me feel…dare I say, normal? It shows me that other people have many of the same struggles that I do and they are able to overcome them and live healthy and happy lives. It reminds me that I don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad.

My girl friends are my anchors. They support me and give me strength and courage to get back up when life or love knocks me down. I can bounce all of my anxieties and catastrophic hypotheses (ie: this bad thing happened because I’m a screw-up) off of them without fear of judgement, and they are there to snap me back to reality (and remind me that the aforementioned hypothesis isn’t true).

pinnacles
It’s all about the climb, baby.

My girls keep me grounded when my head is in the clouds. They remind me that it’s okay to not be in control of everything. They tell me not to blame myself when things don’t go the way I want them to. They tell me I can do better when I doubt myself, and that it’s okay to learn from the past and move on.

I haven’t been in the best place lately. As you may have gathered from my last post, It Doesn’t All Happen At Once, I’ve found myself in another relapse with my eating disorder. I’ve been too ashamed to talk openly about it, even with my followers. That’s not cool.

Why should I judge myself for being on the receiving end of help? If all relationships require give and take, then support systems are no exception. I started this blog to help others but now I need help, and that’s perfectly okay. We’re in this together.

I asked my girls what I can do to get better. Their advice to me: invest in myself. They specifically mentioned my blog, along with anything else that brings me joy. I realized I haven’t been updating much at all during this time and maybe getting back to it is just what I need.

So here I am; back at it again. Not because I have a responsibility to share my story, but because I deserve to make this time for myself. I’m going to get better. We’re going to do it together. Fear has been holding me back: I was afraid of confessing that I’ve fallen off the trail. Afraid of steering others wrong. Afraid of letting you down. Afraid of appearing imperfect. As I navigate this relapse, I’ll be taking the role of student documenting her progress rather than pretending to have all the answers. I’ll learn as I go and keep you posted; Perfection not allowed. 😉

Stay strong, stay beautiful.

xoxo,
Annie


Featured image by Ryan McGuire via Gratisography.

Save

4 thoughts on “Getting Back to Myself

  1. For me, self perception did nothing to my actual actions. In fact, it made it worse. I’ve had this for many, many years (anorexia) so each time I relapse it is that much more painful because (a) I know better and (b) I know the inevitable result and (c) I know what I’m doing, or rather suspect what I’m doing to my body, and (d) I felt helpless to stop it causing all kinds of guilt and self-condemnation.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s