As we come to the end of our Sunday night yoga class, we always finish by lying on our mats in the fetal position to remind ourselves that every day we are reborn and each day is a new beginning.
For those of us with eating disorders, this is especially true.
Every day I have a choice to make. I can fall back into my old familiar ways, or I can put in the effort and fight that it takes to recover. Some days this is an easy decision, and other days it is not.
It seems so simple: is this really even a question? Shouldn’t getting better be the easy choice?
Yes, I want to get better. Yes, I want to be my healthiest self. Of course I do. The reality remains that no matter how much I want it, wanting it isn’t enough. You may want a shiny new red Maserati more than anything in this world, but does that suffice to say that you’re going to get it?
Recovery is not a wish–it is an intention. That means in order to achieve it, you have to have a plan. You have to be willing to work for it.
And why is this so hard? Because for those of us with eating disorders, the disordered behavior is our nature, our first instinct, our default; and we have to fight that.
Do you know what it’s like to constantly argue with your own head? To convince yourself that yes, as a matter of fact, you DO have to eat to survive. To tell yourself repeatedly that food is not poison. That in order to stay alive, you have to do the very thing you fear most.
It’s not easy. Familiarity is always more comfortable, even when it’s not. Recovery is not the easy choice. Not for us. It feels unnatural. It feels scary. It feels like failure.
But you can’t believe everything you feel.
You have to believe you’re worth it: worth fighting for. worth the discomfort of sitting down for a meal. worth trusting the unknown. worth doing the right thing even when it feels wrong.
And if you don’t believe it, I do. Because it’s true; you are worth it. We are all worth it.