When I saw my weight, I knew I had to stop pretending that something wasn’t very wrong. No more denial–I was sick. This wasn’t just a “rough patch” that was going to go away on its own.
I’m a very career-oriented girl. My studies and my work are top priorities. I had even put them before my health. That had to change.
Nothing is more important than my health.I decided that I was going to put my recovery first, even if that meant withdrawing from school (it didn’t).
That simple attitude change made a phenomenal difference. I finally realized that if I’m not taking very good care of my body, then my schoolwork, relationships and everything else that I was giving 110% to would inevitably fail. You can’t put the wagon before the horse and expect to get very far.
Here’s something that may seem counter-intuitive, but it worked. I didn’t purchase a meal plan this semester. One reason was because they are expensive and a lot of the plan I purchased last semester went to waste. The other reason was because eating in the school cafeteria was really stressful.
With anorexia, mealtimes are stressful anyway. Factor in a loud, crowded room full of strangers, unpredictable food options, limited hours of operation and the rush of trying to get to the cafeteria, through the lines and actually sitting down to eat before heading back to class: it’s more trouble than it’s worth. I keep my dorm room full of healthy, easy-to-prepare foods that I can eat throughout the day. It works. Eating doesn’t feel like such a chore.
Once I decided to make my recovery first priority, a lot of the stress I was dealing with before began to melt away. Everything else seemed to be less important.
I want–no, I NEED–you guys to understand something very important: I’m not healed. I’m not recovered. I am in recovery. Every day is a fight. Every day is full of temptation. As hard as an eating disorder is, recovery can sometimes be even harder. I’m starting all over. I wish I could just go back to where I was before the relapse, but it doesn’t work that way.
But with your support, I will get there. As hard as it’s going to be, I know it will be worth it because I’ve already seen the other side. I’ll make it back one meal at a time.