About two weeks ago, I did something I had not done since September 2014. At the gym, I stepped on a scale. That goes against every rule in recovery, but I was feeling really low and it was right there.
Now here’s the thing: the last time I knew my weight was when a nurse told me accidentally (she didn’t know I was supposed to do blind weigh-ins). That was about 10 months ago, and I had stabilized at a healthy weight. The number I saw the other day was 15 lbs less.
Stepping on that scale may have been an act of impulse and desperation, but it was also a wake up call. I didn’t realize how serious this relapse was. At that point, the disorder felt even stronger than it was when I was first diagnosed. It’s not a willpower thing. Essentially, when the ED “flares up,” my brain thinks food is poison. My appetite was completely diminished and my hunger cues were nonexistent. I forced myself to eat, but it left me feeling nauseated and even more anxious.
Now, since that day in the gym I have talked to my support team and told them what was going on and how scared I was. My biggest fear is crossing over to bulimia. I came very close, but something or someone always stops me. Thank God.
I want to thank you all for your support and patience. I’m already making progress. I have not weighed myself again and I don’t plan on doing so, but my appetite has returned and I am eating intuitively again. My progress is made evident by the digestive distress and extreme hunger sensations, lol. I’ll explain those in an upcoming blog post.
I may have lost sight of what’s really important over the past few months, but I’m getting back on track. I let other things take priority when my recovery should be my number one concern–over school, work, relationships, everything. I’m not blaming anyone for my relapse, including myself. It happens to the best of them. I am going to beat this. I feel really strong today and it’s going to last. I don’t have time to let anything take precedence over my health. I refuse to end up in a hospital with a tube up my nose and down my throat. NOTHING is worth that risk. I have a lot of exciting things coming up and I need to be healthy and happy (and alive) to enjoy them. Stay tuned.