Well guys, it’s New Year’s Eve. Instead of being at a party like a normal American college student with a social life, I am sitting at my computer eating some of my Mom’s homemade yogurt. But ya know, I couldn’t be prouder of myself.
Allow me to explain: This yogurt is homemade, which means no nutrition label, so I have no idea how many calories are in it. And it’s made with half-and-half; not skim milk or some low-fat substitute. It’s thick and creamy and rich. And I’m eating as much as I want. BOOYAH!
Earlier this year, I would not have dared to do this. The eating disorder would have won.
That’s how pathetic anorexia is. It breaks you down so much that simply eating yogurt like a normal person is a huge deal. I know. Yes, it is lame. But it’s okay, because…
I’M EATING YOGURT AND I’M PROUD!
Don’t get me wrong; even this far in recovery I still hear Ana’s menacing voice in my head: “You’re not really that hungry…do you have any idea how many calories are in that?…if you must eat, pick something lighter than that…it’s probably loaded with fat…fine, eat it, but just a little bit…feel any heavier yet?”
OMG ANA, YOU’RE SO ANNOYING!
(“Ana” is the name I use to personify anorexia nervosa. It might seem strange, but it really helps me understand and explain the eating disorder when I think of it as having a human form; almost like an alter-ego or a devil on my shoulder.)
Yes, I still hear her voice every day. I’m just getting really good at telling her to shut the [insert explicit word] up.
Here are some pictures of my progress in weight restoration. It hurts me to look at these pictures. The two on top are from the beginning of recovery. The very first one was meant to be a “before” picture, but I don’t know when would be appropriate to take an official “after”. I don’t have a specific weight goal. My goal is to listen to and respect my body. The last two pictures are more recent. You can’t really see it from a low-quality photograph, but people tell me I “glow” these days. I just know I feel a thousand times better now.
EDIT: I decided to remove my “before” pictures as they may be triggering. It doesn’t matter what I looked like before, anyway. You can’t tell how sick a person is by looking at a picture of them. I have replaced the collage with a picture of me after I reached a healthy weight.
It has been a long, hard year, my friends. I hope that in time I will be able to look back on it fondly. I’m a little too close to see the big picture right now.
That being said, I am thankful for the upcoming year and the opportunity to experience all the wonderful blessings that await me! I won’t be making any resolutions this year. Why? Because the one resolution I actually kept last year tried to kill me.
Also because I don’t need them. A resolution is the plan to solve a problem. I am not a “problem” that needs to be “fixed”. Neither are you. Besides, most resolutions end in disappointment anyway. Who needs that?
Instead of a New Year’s resolution, I think it’s time for a REVOLUTION!
This year, I will not hold myself to some arbitrary standard. Instead, I will live every day whole-heartedly and to the fullest. I will do the best I can each day, one at a time. I will find something to smile about. I will love myself and respect my body, soul, and mind. I will accept the fact that I am only human—unique, beautiful, and made in the image of God.
This year, I will learn to see myself the way that my loved ones and God see me.
Won’t you do the same?
In 2015, let’s not buy into the culture of “eat less, move more”. Let’s nourish our bodies and keep active by doing things we love to do. Let’s ditch the diets and the self-degradation that the media insists we need in order to be desirable and acceptable. Let’s bring healthy back!
Haven’t you heard? Healthy is the new Beyoncé.
Happy New Year, friends! 2015 is here. Let’s do this!