Letting it Go

Hi there, I’m Annie. Duh.

Before I get into the serious stuff, I feel I should warn you of one thing: I am going to be completely authentic here. I will type things as they come to me. No “bullsugar”, as my high school physics teacher would say. I’m not trying to become poet laureate or anything. Ultimately, this is a blog about being imperfect. If it is perfection you seek, I humbly suggest you go stare at pictures of Chris Evans in his Captain America attire (try not to drool–it’s unbecoming).

Great! Now that we have established that, we can get into the good stuff. I could go into an elaborate and heartfelt backstory here, but for brevity’s sake, I’ll jump to the chase. I am in recovery from anorexia nervosa. Those of you who know me are probably in shock. I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “Annie? An eating disorder? But she’s so smart! And talented! And strikingly gorgeous! Not to mention charming, and she also makes a mean grilled cheese.” I know, I know. For those of you who don’t know me, fear not: I’m not actually that self-absorbed. The point I am trying to make is that eating disorders do not discriminate. They can happen to anyone, regardless of how put together he or she may seem on the outside. But, yeah. It happened to me, and I never expected it.

As this is only an introductory post, I won’t go into much detail on the development of my ED (eating disorder) today. The hardest part is letting go. Sound familiar? Only a handful of people knew about my ED prior to this post, and believe me, admitting that I have this issue was no easy task. It took months for me to summon the courage to tell even the people I trust the most. Nobody wants to talk about their vices, right? We all want the world to see our virtues only. But that’s a lonely walk. One thing I’m learning along this journey is the liberating power of vulnerability. I finally came to the point where I simply could not stand to have this secret contained within the four walls of my own mind anymore, so I tore them down. It starts with the demolition of one wall, then the others seem to crumble naturally. 

That’s kinda where the name of this blog comes from. My favorite city in the world is Chicago, Illinois. In 1871, Chicago faced a tragedy known as the Great Fire. At the time it seemed like a hopeless, terrible situation. The people of the city had lost almost everything. Everything but hope. Now, when I look back, I notice something: if the city had never been torn down, it would have never been built back up—bigger, stronger, and more beautiful than ever. It wouldn’t have become the city that I fell in love with. In fact, it was in Chicago where my recovery began. I can kind of see myself in a similar way: If I had never hit rock bottom, if I had never come to a breaking point, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to start over. The old has to be demolished before the new foundation can be built. Demolition requires breaking walls. Every time I share my story, another wall comes down and more light comes in. Now, I’m reconstructing Annie—stronger than ever before!

I know this came as a shock to those of you who know me, and I know it doesn’t help that I didn’t do any explaining. I can get to answering questions in following posts, assuming this one gets positive feedback. Please feel free to leave any questions in the comment section or just ask me straight in person. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go serenade my dog with “Let it Go” from the Disney movie Frozen. I have pasted the lyrics below. As silly as it may seem, they describe my recovery process really well. Give them a read. Or a sing…I know you want to. 🙂

The day before I left for Chicago. Left a lot of stuff on that mountain top.
The day before I left for Chicago. Left a lot of stuff on that mountain top. A kind stranger took this picture for me.

“Let It Go”

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!


Lyrics from azlyrics.com
I claim no rights to Disney’s “Frozen” and “Let it Go”.
All credit goes to the respective owner.

 

6 thoughts on “Letting it Go

    1. Thanks for your question! Coming clean was a huge deal for me, and sometimes I still wonder if it really was the best thing to do. But, as it is, I’ll continue to roll with it.
      As far as how long recovery lasts, I can’t really say. Most people say that recovery is a life-long process. I’ve been in recovery for about 4 months now, with many ups and downs, but no major relapses. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. One thing I know is that I can’t fully recover on my own.
      The main thing I would ask of my friends and family is to not give up on me, and to help me take this journey one step at a time. Another thing I would ask (of everyone, really) is to stop with the body bashing. Even if a harsh comment is not directed at me, it still says “this is my standard of beauty and some people simply don’t live up to it and it disgusts me.” We don’t need to point out people’s flaws—they already see them.
      Oh, and do not mention diets. Diets are a no-no. That happens a lot in the college setting. There’s always another fad diet or pill or workout that everyone wants to try. It’s really hard when I’m around a group of people that are trying so hard to get smaller while I’m fighting voices in my head that tell me to compete with them.
      Thanks again, and if you have any more questions just ask! Check back for a new post soon. God bless 🙂

      Like

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